March 03, 2022


When I was an undergraduate at Cornell, I studied Russian for 2.5 years. The first year was so rigorous that by the end of it, I was able to read Pravda without a dictionary. It was, however, rather boring, because the daily headline was always some variant of MILLIONS ENSLAVED BY CAPITALISM. (No mention of how many were enslaved by communism, for some odd reason.) I think at this point it's time the NYT did an American version of this: MILLIONS HAVE HEADS RAMMED IN RUMPS. Variants could include AMERICANS WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING, 332 MILLION IDIOTS, COULD WE BE ANY MORE STUPID?, ETC. Wafers are encouraged to contribute potential headlines for our outstanding flagship newspaper, whose true motto is "All the News that Fits Our Views." The editorial page and the front page have effectively merged, and they don't even seem to realize it. Maybe the best headline for the NYT would be WE ARE A JOKE.